Those sexy, sexy Orcs.

Greetings nerds and nerdettes. This week we have a question from Dr. Mookenstein M.D. about Orcs. Mookenstein Writes:

Could you tell me anything about the breeding habits of orcs? Are there more than one species? Do they interbreed? I think I saw an orc having sex with my dog the other day. What’s up with that?

Dear Dr. Mookenstein M.D.,

While the Orc is a far-ranging and varied race, there is little actual genetic variation between the various cultures and societies that exist. In fact, the differences are so small, that for the most part, they should not even be considered subspecies of one another (many people forget that most common races of the realm are indeed subspecies of each other, a topic which I may cover on a later date).
Mountain Orc
The exception among the Orcs is the Aquatic Orc, for which there is much debate. Clearly, as a water breathing creature, the Aquatic Orc is at the very least a subspecies of Orc. Normally, one of the qualifications for a new species is that it cannot breed with it’s “parent” species. While there is no good evidence to support their existence, I have heard of Aquatic Orc half-breeds, though most reports are of dead offspring, which were promptly eaten by their utilitarian parents. More research is necessary to determine the truth behind these supposed sightings.

The rumors of Aquatic Orc half-breeds illustrates another important point that you bring up: Orcs have sex with a lot of different things. They are not known for their Intelligence, and are regarded as primitive, brutal creatures. There is some amount of truth to this, but I feel that the Orcs are mostly misunderstood. Having had the pleasure of spending 7 months with a tribe of Mountain Orcs, I would like to relate an incident I had during my time with them. I think my experience might shed some light on the violation of your dog, and quell any anxiety you might be feeling surrounding the matter.

One evening, while taking my usual stroll around the camp to observe the Orcs during their down time, I saw an Orc, whom I will call Labeouf, hidden in the shadows away from his brethren. I approached him, thinking perhaps he would enjoy some company, and was startled by what I saw: Labeouf was apparently making love to an animal carcass.

He excused himself, and asked what I wanted. I proceeded to inquire about his activity, and was told that he was preparing dinner. I learned that one male is chosen every night to have sex with the tribes meal; it is their way of imparting their power into their food. This idea applies to sex with living beings as well.

An Orc does not have sex lightly: only with its food, and people and animals it deeply respects. It is gifting a part of its life-force to the receiver, one of the greatest honors one can ever get from an Orc.

I was amazed by what I had learned! I had not expected such complex ritual and spirituality from the Orcs when I had first arrived. I must admit though, my own cultural biases led me to gathering nuts and berries for the remainder of my stay with them.

So, take heart! Your dog may have been violated by an Orc, but only because the Orc viewed your dog as a kindred spirit: a creature of immense power and honor, worthy of the soul of an Orc!

Best Regards,
Your Friendly Neighborhood Dungeon Master

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You can also see me in action in One Die Short.

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7 Responses to Those sexy, sexy Orcs.

  1. Pingback: You People Are F%#@ing Crazy! | Answers to Life, the Universe and Roleplaying

  2. Grace says:

    This post just made my day.

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