Midi-Chlorians and French Canada

This Week Josh asks:

I just lost my midichlorians and don’t know how to escape this sith stronghold!!!! Help! (Star Wars 2nd ed old rep) What do I do?

Midi-chlorians were an invention of George Lucas that people either loved or hated.  There isn’t much middle ground with them.  Most arguments either call them uninspired and demystifying, or else celebrate them as a rationalization of religious beliefs.  Before I answer your question though, some background explanation is necessary.  For my part, the biggest issue I have is their name.  The name seems to imply they’re either made of Chlorine, or else just green, and that they’re either a Musical Instrument Digital Interface or French (Midi refers to Southern France).

At first this seems like complete nonsense, but I believe Lucas was trying to reveal something important to us.  French people are sometimes called Frogs, which are often green in color, and so we discover that midi-chlorian is actually a cleverly disguised ethnic slur against the French.  Why would he be hiding ethnic slurs in Star Wars?  If we dig deeper, we can unravel this convoluted conspiracy.  A number of great importance to George Lucas was 1138, the title of his first film being THX 1138.  Another number of great significance to him is 5, May being the fifth month, and the month in which all of the Star Wars films were released, and the month of his birth.

So we have 11, 38 and 5.  11+38+5 = 54.  5+4 = 9.  1+1+3+8+5 = 18.  1+8 = 9.  In both cases we are left with 9.  9+9=18.  1+8 =9.  That’s 9, 9, 9.  999 is of course 666 inverted: the Mark of the Beast.  We all know the Mayan Prophecy, which states the end of our world will occur on December 21st 2012.  12/21/12.  1+2+2+1+1+2, once again = 9.  Lucas was trying to tell us when and where the Antichrist would be born, and that he would usher in the end of times on December 21st, 2012.

At first, we might naturally assume that the Antichrist would be born in France because of the midi-chlorian slur, but what city has the second largest French speaking population in the world? Montreal.  And who was born in Canada?  Hayden Christiansen.  Interestingly enough, Hayden sounds phonetically a lot like the German Heidin, meaning Heathen.  Being that his father is Danish, I’ll assume this is no coincidence.  His name literally means Heathen son of the Christian.  But that’s not the only thing that points to Hayden as the Antichrist.

Hayden was born on April 19th, 1981.  Guess what happened on April 19th, in 1981?  Easter Sunday.  What better day for the Antichrist to rise?  And who better to play Darth Vader?  If that wasn’t proof enough his birthday, 4/19/1981 is 4+1+9+1+9+8+1 = 33, 3+3 = 6.  4+19+1981 = 2004, 2+0+0+4 = 6.  4+ (1+9) + (19 + 81) = 4+10+100 = 114.  1+1+4 = 6.  666.  It can’t be escaped.  There is no denying it.  George Lucas tried to warn us, and now the end times are upon us.

Now that that’s out of the way, we can answer your question.  Midi-chlorians were meant to be an early warning system against the Antichrist and nothing more.  They have no place in Star Wars, and as such, should simply be ignored.  If your GM tells you they exist, just refer him to this blog.  If he insists, here’s another argument I like to use:  Midi-chlorians are never spoken of as the Force.  They are simply a Jedi’s link to the Force.  This implies the Force is something else entirely, which can theoretically be communicated with without the aid of midi-chlorians, otherwise the midi-chlorians wouldn’t have a link to the Force.  Potentially a Jedi (maybe with some really good meditation techniques) could find the Force even if he lost his midi-chlorians.  If this were accomplished, he would have a pure, and undiluted link to the Force, making him even more powerful than would have been possible before.

Conspiratorially Yours,
The Dungeon Master

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4 Responses to Midi-Chlorians and French Canada

  1. kevinstover says:

    Issues like these are exactly why my wife and I have decided that our home is “Prequel Free”. When we have children, they will be forbidden from watching the prequels upon pain of exile. They will be instructed to choose their friends based upon who isn’t wearing one of those ridiculous “CGI” Yoda t-shirts. For them, like me, Yoda will remain a muppet. He’s not CGI darn it. He’s a muppet. Sorry, got away on my own little soap box there for a second, but, while I’m discussing the matter, why is it than the can flip around and @#$#@ in the prequels, but 20 #$#@ing years later, he can barely walk? If he’s really hundreds of years old, what difference does 20 years make? Seriously?

    Sorry, sometimes my anger at George Lucas’ ability to crap in a box and call it Star Wars gets the best of me.

  2. Ask the DM says:

    it’s so true. nothing spells end of times like a whiny baby destroying the star wars franchise.

  3. Grace says:

    Haha, I thought that the name reminded me oddly of mitochondria.

    Hayden Christiansen is indeed the antichrist, but he also did something worse by ruining Star Wars for me. As the obsessive fan who read all the books, it bothered me to no end that Vader was such a whiny brat. His bad acting, even as time passes, continues to make me angry.

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