If you seriously pondered the above question, you might want to think about getting some help. This week I try my hand at some serious advice as I aid a damsel in sexual distress:
Dear Dungeon Master, my boyfriend has lost all sexual interest in me since he became obsessed with D&D. It’s like I don’t even exist anymore! What character from D&D do you think I could dress up like to ignite that flame again?
Obsession can be a serious problem, and it seems to go hand in hand with being a Geek. I wrote a previous blog on the topic, so I won’t rehash it too much, but it seems to come down to this: obsession is escape. Your boyfriend is trying to escape from something, be it his job, his parents, school, or possibly (I’m sorry), you.
However, the very fact that you’re asking this question, seem supportive of his love of D&D, and are open enough to dress up like an elf and have sex, tells me he’s probably NOT trying to get away from you (it’s hard enough for geeks to get girls as it is). You don’t come across as overbearing, bitchy, or nagging from the very short sentence you’ve constructed for me, so I’m going to take this for what I think it’s worth and make the assumption that he’s still into you.
If he isn’t trying to get away from you, that’s good, because he probably wouldn’t have much luck finding another woman anytime soon. So, the real question is why is he doing this? Dressing up is great, but it’s not a real solution. The solution is to figure out why he hates life so much that D&D is better than sex. To be fair, D&D IS very sexy, as is evidenced by their old marketing campaign:
If that girl isn’t about to make love to that sweet, sexy Monster Manual, than I’m no Dungeon Master. But your boyfriend needs to realize that real sex is better than imaginary centaur sex. Unfortunately, convincing him of this isn’t something you can easily do. Every person in need can only be nudged so hard before they push back violently. You can and should try talking to him, but don’t expect him to be able to communicate very effectively.
Expect to hear a lot of things like, “I don’t know”, “You don’t know what you’re talking about”, and “I don’t have a problem.” Make him really understand how his behavior is effecting YOU without blaming him for it. Don’t tell him how he’s a useless waste of space, that he’s ruining your sex-life and your relationship, and that he needs to do something useful with his life. Just tell him what you need and why you need it. Use lots of “I’s” and not too many “You’s”. Say something like: “I need your elixer of life,” or “My vagina needs your broad sword.”
With that being said, I do like your idea of taking his roleplaying into the bedroom. It shows your support and interest, as well as giving a little to get what you need. It might not be a solution, but it could certainly be a nice spark to help move things along. It’s hard to recommend something to dress up as without knowing your boyfriend, however, Drow/Dark Elves are almost always a safe bet.
As noted in my post on the Drow, they have a long history of being sexy, and are generally considered to be the S&M race of the D&D world. If covering yourself in bodypaint isn’t your thing, pointy ears and chainmail bikinis are easy to come by and work well for most fantasy loving geeks.
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When all is said and done though, your boyfriend has to want to have sex with you. And if he really doesn’t want to, then he is probably a really lame guy. Obsession is a serious problem that often requires therapy, and if he’s not ready to get help, it may be hard to build your relationship into what it deserves to be.
You can try your best, but he needs to meet you somewhere in the vague vicinity of the middle. And if none of this helps, there are plenty of other geeks out there that would jump at the chance to trade a lonley night in their basement for a sexy night in a lady’s bedroom.
The Dungeon Master
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